Spirit Proofing

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Is your home secure against attacks by evil demons?

 

These days everyone seems to be focused on zombie-proofing their property, or making it safe against over exaggerated dangers such as lurking pedophiles,  rampaging end of world hoardes, Syrian refugees or Mexican Taco Trucks.  The truth is that you are in far more danger from Ghosts, Demons, Spirits and other denizens of the underworld.

The good news is that a few well thought out and inexpensive architectural solutions will protect you from 99% of all spirit attacks and pretty much 100% of opportunistic intrusions by wandering spirits.  Let’s face it, no pre-prepared architectural fix is going to protect you when your nihilistic teenager paints a pentacle in chicken blood on the bedroom floor and summons a demon straight from hell.  Good luck with that.

Issue 1:  Foundations

Start with a good foundation and it is hard to go wrong.  When it comes to spirits foundations are critical.  It is for good reasons that children and family pets are nervous of entering basements, root cellars, coal holes and the like.  Spirits like to lurk in cool dark places.  What’s more, when they settle in to a comfortable hole in the ground it is very hard to winkle them out.

In ancient Celtic folklore it is well known that hollows of any sort are prime entry points to the under world.  Beware of caves or sink holes in the area of your home, also natural springs, wells, and even the hollows under thorn trees.  DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO UPROOT A THORN TREE!  It’s worse than building a house on an Indian burial ground.

In general avoid building your house on holes.  If you really must have a basement there is a solution.  In the Philippines they have found that you can spirit proof a basement by building an exit below the basement level.  The ghosts sort of just slide on down and out.  This incidentally is a useful practice for drainage too.  So you can build a basement as long as it has a door lower than the basement floor.  Think along the lines of a house on a hill.

Issue 2.  Water

Spirits don’t like crossing water.  If you can afford it you could copy the great architects of the middle ages and surround your home with a moat.  Handy for keeping out your enemies and even better for keeping out spirits, and vampires by the way.

However, moats are pretty expensive to build, and it needs to be wider than a single step across.  Local authorities in most countries seem to have a problem with home owners constructing moats around their properties.

The good news comes from the Sea Island Creole people of the Carolinas.  They built their homes on islands to protect themselves from spirits, but a few tenacious ghouls still tormented them.  Then they found out that spirits can’t tell the difference between water and blue paint.  So instead of digging a moat around your house you just need to use plenty of blue paint around any potential entry point.  Paint your door saddles, window sills etc with a nice shade of “Haint Paint”.  Even more effective is painting the ceiling of your porch blue.  This seems to confuse the ghosts, they think everything is upside down or something.  Anyway, it works!

Issue 3.  Straight lines.

As any Chinese Philosopher will confirm demons and spirits travel from point to point in straight lines.  They love straight houses, straight roads and straight paths.  If you want to prevent them from entering your property you need to build in curves.  Nice curving driveways are hell for demons.  Zig-zag pathways work too.  Those pretty curved Chinese roofs are designed to be demon proof.

Rounded windows and doors are good and nothing beats a good old roundhouse.    A demon will just keep heading off in tangents until they find your next-door neighbor in his Le Corbusier style architectural cube and settle in.

Issue 4.  Demon Gates

As everyone knows the denizens of the spirit world tend to come from one direction.  The Japanese call this the Kimon Corner.  It is a good direction in which to put a corner.  Any local spiritualist will quickly identify the origination point for spirits on your property.  DO NOT HAVE A DOOR FACING THE DEMON GATE.

If you are building the full on castle with the moat you should construct your strongest round tower in that corner.  The combination of round surfaces, moat and lack of entry points will deter the majority of ghouls.  For us more modest home owners just make sure you have no doors or windows on that corner.  Also avoid putting any kind of bathroom or toilet in the Kimon Corner.  Spirits make easy work of drainage systems, and will literally flow into your home.  Ain’t nobody need that!.

Issue 5.  Flat surfaces

Demons, spirits, ghosts etc all like to hang out.  Don’t let them.  They will make themselves at home on any flat level surface.  Garden walls need to be angled or curved.  Fences should have pointed palings so Ghosts can’t perch on them.  If you have a porch or a stoop make sure it has a fall off so they slide away from the house.  Windowsills should angle down and out.  You get the picture.  If it is comfortable for you to sit there it is ideal for them.

As good practice get into the habit of stacking your garden furniture on a regular basis.  Tip tables on their sides, or put them away for the winter in the shed.  Don’t let the ghosts feel they are at home!

I do hope you profit from all this good advice.  Sleep safe!

 

 

 

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